Another one bites the dust

Holy reacharound, people! An exciting scoop has just come in to the ‘Shatcave.

Bull Blaze Irregular “Bull Kalkhoffenbull” sent this red-hot item over the transom (tied to a large rock), and I think it’s gonna set the town afire.

Certain names have been altered to protect penniless blogging smartasses from getting hosed by deep-pocketed and potentially litigious development entities.

(click to enlarge)

DURHAM (June 12) – Yellowater Development announced today the acquisition of the Durham County Jail, which the company plans to rebrand “Mangum South: 219.”

“This is an exciting and unique addition to our downtown portfolio,” said Spencer ‘Spud’ Lebowski, the third, and little-known, Lebowski brother. Brother Spud has been a silent partner in the burgeoning Yellowater empire, but has been known to friends as ‘the Lebowski brother with the least to lose.’

A mixed-use, extended-stay center is envisioned for the property, which Spud said would “meet the lifestyle needs of an untapped market segment.”

“Many of our prospective tenants are looking for the security of a gated community,” he said. “Our customers do not want just anyone off the Durham streets to have access to them, and, frankly, would prefer not to have access to the street.”

Security will be a priority at Mangum South: 219. Uniformed officers will patrol the hallways, maintaining order and preventing residents from disturbing one another. Meals will be provided ‘al fresco’ on the Pettigrew Terrace. Each unit has a unique floor plan – ‘green design’ ensures that there is no wasteful heat loss through large windows, and one wall of each unit will have a specialized air circulation perforation pattern with metallic ‘climatizing bars.’ A health spa will boast ‘all of the latest free weights.’

Yellowater has announced their marketing campaign for Mangum South: 219, which will feature the catch-phrase “Be Someone’s Bitch Downtown.”