Manpurse Risen

June 24, 2007

Manpurse risen

A reading from the Gospel According to the American Ta-back-HO:

And it came to pass that Durham did Stumble O’er Loose Bricks, and amidst the giant turkey legs and dipped ice cream cones, a Colorfully Named Development Company did sponsor a libation enclosure, which Blazer Manpurse, BFA did enter (though he was a little torked at having to pay $10 to get in, but hey). And while there, the snark did fly from his lips, and there was passion.

And after a time, a special cup was proffered to Manpurse, and, being of unsound mind (not to mention body) from the previous several cups, he did take this one. “If it be possible,” he said, “make not this cup to pass my lips, because I’m getting a serious groove on.”

And groove he did. But he did not know that a “mickey” had been slipped to him. And after he acted like a cock three times, the colorfully jackbooted thugs did enter the garden and seize him, and he “snarked” all over their pretty boots, which did not make them any happier.

The thugs brought him to the Captains of Industry, who then handed Manpurse over to their leader, Paunchy Pileup, who asked what should be done with the prisoner.

“Redevelop him!!” they shouted.

And a shrewd smile did pass o’er the lips of Paunchy, and Manpurse did tremble, and a long night did pass , and deep doo-doo did occur.

The next morning, dark clouds broke and a wondrous sight did appear over the glistening new downtown. The glorified Manpurse was seen to hover over the See, Say, Be Plaza, and before he was assumed into the place that makes an ass of u and me, the spirit of snark burst forth and did descend upon all in the Bull City.

And when they learned what had transpired, all who dwelled there did say “Our most annoying blogger has left us, but we are all Blazer Manpurse now.” And they took the snark into their hearts and hatched many schemes.

And the Captains of Industry did tremble.

Sobering sandwich

June 23, 2007

First off, we’ve got a two-peat “May We Suggest” winner in Derm Autophagia with the utterly charming crack pipe flag. Thanks to all who entered, and look for “Ol’ Cracky” flying high tonight on pole #4.

I just stopped in to grab a bite at the American Hero on Roxboro Street (have you seen their famous miracle, by the way? In the big plexiglass case by the counter? Astounding!) and they had the following leaflets available for the takin’:

Undertaker sandwich

I hope there’s no linkage between the cuisine and the limousine, but now I’m suddenly filled with a strange sense of dread. Good thing I’m off to drink heavily in the garden at the big Derm Rizing party. Liver don’t fail me now!!

So it begins

June 22, 2007


May We Suggest…

June 21, 2007

PylonThe minutes are flying by ’til the big Downtown Derm Hoo-Hah celebration on Saturday.

Things seem to be shaping up pretty nicely—only a few dozen bricks to stumble over, instead of several thousand, still some “problem areas” here and there, but it looks like once again we’re gonna pull something nice from our collective corn chute.

I’m on board with renaming our new town square, the anachronistically dubbed “CCB Plaza,” something much more fitting with the ex-hippie vibe of this town. So for our purposes we’ll call it the “See, Say, Be Plaza,” hmm? Anyway, stumbling around the SSB earlier, I couldn’t help but notice that there are flag poles prominently placed there. Yes, not just one, not two, not even three—but four (count ’em!), four flag poles, highlighted below.

Four poles

Why so many? Oh come on, gentle reader. Lessee, there’s one for the US flag, the NC flag, maybe the Durham flag, and…and…hmm. I guess I’m stumped too. I don’t know what flag that fourth slot could be intended for—a jolly roger? McDonald’s? The flag of one of our sister cities? One for Elijah? The possibilities are endless. Here’s a few that pop to mind:

May We Suggest…flag edition

And let’s not stop the fun there. Submit your suggestions in the comments by NOON on SATURDAY, and we’ll see if we can’t get it run up the you-know-what in time for the festivities Saturday night.

Pictures are always helpful, of course, and there’s a fabulous prize at stake (a homemade Redman CD I found on the street the other day—broken jewel case and all. How’s that for Durham grit?) Let’s get cracking!

Durham creeping

June 20, 2007

Durham creeping

No beer up there, but as a consolation prize…

June 19, 2007

Heavenly ham

The road forward

June 17, 2007

Future plans

Black and white and Juneteenth all over

June 15, 2007

JuneteenthJuneteenth is starting to come into its own as a celebration, which seems like a good thing, but the P.R. about local celebrations hasn’t been the best, so I wanted to draw your attention to not one but two upcoming events.

First, this Saturday, June 16th, is the 3rd Annual Durham Juneteenth Celebration at the Hayti Heritage Center on Fayetteville Street, featuring music, spoken word, food, and of course, martial arts.

Then next Saturday the 23rd, there’s even more competition for the Rock ’em Sock ’em robots below—our neighborhood former plantation Historic Stagville is having its first Juneteenth Celebration, including “costumed actors portraying actual members of the enslaved community at Stagville,” whoa. Also, local string band faves the Carolina Chocolate Drops will perform (thanks to that ever-so-influential-article by the Indy’s Mr. Geary for that tipoff).

Check ’em both out, and let’s start planning the celebrations for January 21, 2009 while we’re at it…

June 23 PartyBots

June 14, 2007


House, Durham

June 13, 2007


Another one bites the dust

June 12, 2007

Holy reacharound, people! An exciting scoop has just come in to the ‘Shatcave.

Bull Blaze Irregular “Bull Kalkhoffenbull” sent this red-hot item over the transom (tied to a large rock), and I think it’s gonna set the town afire.

Certain names have been altered to protect penniless blogging smartasses from getting hosed by deep-pocketed and potentially litigious development entities.

219 regular view

(click to enlarge)

DURHAM (June 12) – Yellowater Development announced today the acquisition of the Durham County Jail, which the company plans to rebrand “Mangum South: 219.”

“This is an exciting and unique addition to our downtown portfolio,” said Spencer ‘Spud’ Lebowski, the third, and little-known, Lebowski brother. Brother Spud has been a silent partner in the burgeoning Yellowater empire, but has been known to friends as ‘the Lebowski brother with the least to lose.’

A mixed-use, extended-stay center is envisioned for the property, which Spud said would “meet the lifestyle needs of an untapped market segment.”

“Many of our prospective tenants are looking for the security of a gated community,” he said. “Our customers do not want just anyone off the Durham streets to have access to them, and, frankly, would prefer not to have access to the street.”

Security will be a priority at Mangum South: 219. Uniformed officers will patrol the hallways, maintaining order and preventing residents from disturbing one another. Meals will be provided ‘al fresco’ on the Pettigrew Terrace. Each unit has a unique floor plan – ‘green design’ ensures that there is no wasteful heat loss through large windows, and one wall of each unit will have a specialized air circulation perforation pattern with metallic ‘climatizing bars.’ A health spa will boast ‘all of the latest free weights.’

Yellowater has announced their marketing campaign for Mangum South: 219, which will feature the catch-phrase “Be Someone’s Bitch Downtown.”

Things that vaguely terrify me

June 11, 2007

(part of a continuing series)

Creepy janitor

Now that’s geeky

June 7, 2007

Nerd!!Sometimes, I love this world.

Specifically, the nerds of this world.

More specifically, the nerdy nerds of this town.

It’s no secret that the Ole North State has no shortage of persons of the dork variety, and that they have no problems finding each other. There are the requisite comic book conventions, gaming conventions, anime conventions, of course our own bitchin’ horror/genre film festival, hell, Raleigh even has its own Starfleet ship (who knew?).

But I feel like this weekend’s get together is the cherry on the giant dork cake. Not as flashy as the Dixie Gun and Knife Show (but still mightier-than-the-sword), it’s the Triangle Pen Show!

That’s right—four whole freakin’ days of nothing but implements to die for. And I’m not being a dick here—believe it or not, in the days before the internets your humble blogger had a mighty affair with nibs and parchment (the sight of a luscious Vacumatic or a good Moleskine still has the power to get my six cylinders a’firin’).

And best of all, through all this I find out there’s a Triangle Pen Club—and they meet in Durham! And aw, they make each other wooden pens with Bic inserts for the luvvapete:

Woody pen

Sorry, gentle readers, but honest to gawd, I feel like I’m falling in love with this town all over again. Just give me a moment and I’ll recover.

So maybe I’ll see you at the show in Cary (I know, I know…), I’ll be the guy who’s blotting his eyes with a kleenex every two seconds. Now we just have to figure out how to get cursive back in the curriculum in schools, hey?

Pardon me for guffawing

June 7, 2007

Be very afraid, Dermites.

I have seen the future, and it is being marketed in Raleigh. “West at North,” a new residential condo funhouse in GlenSo, has a silly web site (complete with stupid “whooshing” noise, 3D flybys, insipid announcer, etc), but their print ads are really something special.

Let’s break down the colorful notice that appeared in last week’s Independent Weekly and see if there are any clues about the intended demographic, shall we?
Pardon me for puking

Sigh. Our time is coming…

Capitalizing on Our Strengths

June 6, 2007

It was a hotly contested…er…contest this time, thanks for the many wonderful entries.

Bullsville’s got a lot of sloganific qualities to capitalize upon: its newfound “Irish”-ness, its predilection for Oprah, its quality booty, even its steadfastly turgid bloggers. But Durham Autophagia takes home the prize this time for his contemporary spin on some boosterism from yesteryear:

May We Suggest…Tearin’ Shit Down

The Durham County Library gets credit for the original sign image, which can be seen in its historic geographic context at Autophagia’s renowned blog.