May We Suggest…

Time once again to stop “carping” and start “making things better” in our town. As official ‘Shat gadfly Toieshat keeps pointing out, that Oprah sign downtown is getting mighty depressing.

We’re not surprised that the building’s owner, Ronnie Sturdivant, is fervently hoping for a Winfrey-sized miracle; Derm’s never-sleeping downtown chronicler noted last month that the man is in arrears on his property taxes for the Oprahplatz to the tune of over 16 large.

Well, we’ve all soldiered on with his starry-eyed crusade for this long, but the time has come to pull a Pelosi here and shut this mother down.

Hey Ronnie, since downtown’s nip/tuck is almost done, how’s about following suit with your windows overlooking the nostalgically named “CCB Plaza,” huh? Maybe lower your horizons a little bit, you know? Here are a few humble suggestions that would make our day:

May We Suggest…Oprah

And as always, now it’s your turn, ‘shatters! Hammer the comments field with even better idears (shouldn’t be too hard). We’ll pick the best one and give its contributor some kind of stupid-ass prize or other.

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17 Responses to May We Suggest…

  1. Dead Bastard says:

    I’m not sure anything can top WE WANT BENATAR!

    But what the hell…

    WE WANT OUR TWO DOLLARS!

  2. mymagicbean says:

    WE WANT THREE BEERFESTS EVERY YEAR!

    (a girl can dream)

  3. Celeste says:

    WE WANT TRADER JOE’S!

  4. Uncle Mike says:

    Your Soul!

    http://www.wewantyoursoul.com/

    Too bad those Hellfire, I mean Greenfire guys don’t have any…

  5. Dead Bastard says:

    OPRAH WANTS US!!!!

  6. Dead Bastard says:

    I’m getting compulsive here…

    WE WANT OUR DAMNED PROPERTY TAXES, STURDIVANT!

    Hmmm, probably wouldn’t fit.

    WE WANT RICHARD FLORIDA

    might actually work… Creative classes for everyone!

  7. KFC says:

    WE WANT THE FUNK!

  8. WE WANT DICK CAVETT!

  9. Sorry, y’all prolly too young to know who Dick Cavett is. Think cross between Jon Stewart and the brother on Frasier. (and I mean the literal brother, because there weren’t no brothas on Frasier)

  10. Dead Bastard says:

    WE WANT COCK
    FIGHTING!!!!

  11. Dead Bastard says:

    WE WANT OPERA

  12. Allen says:

    S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

  13. And if we can’t actually get Cavett, maybe we could just blast his theme song over loudspeakers on the plaza for the rest of time. Would help with the digestion of the Locopops…

  14. Uncle Mike says:

    Especially appropriate since Cavett’s theme was “Cunegonde’s Song” from the Leonard Bernstein musical version of “Candide” You remember that, right? “Once one dismisses the rest of all possible worlds, one concludes this is the best of all possible worlds!”

    Now I’m reminiscing about playing the pygmy in that show and humming the damned song as well.

    I’m assuming that my being your uncle disqualified me from the competition? How could you not love “We Want Your Soul…”

  15. Would “We want the shrivled corpse of Dick Cavett” fit?

  16. It would, but he ain’t dead, HO! He was just the Narrator on Broadway in “Rocky Horror,” so the guy’s still got it.

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