Female genitalia joke here

Hot beaver now So you should know by now that there’s, like, an event of some sort going on in Duke Park on Saturday night. I think it’s called the Beaver Queen Pageant.

Judging from Barry’s blog, they will be documenting it in every medium known to humankind (I think I heard the stone tablet carver is confirmed), but of course, nothing beats the satisfaction of that wet, juicy beaver up close and personal.

So bring the kids (even if they don’t get the labia laffs yet), as it promises to be a good time for all. The organizers were insane enough to get yours truly on board as a judge, and you just know that the combination of my sparkling wit, a pair of assless chaps, and a shitload of Wild Turkey are gonna make for some memorable fun. On second thought, bring the kids but keep them faaaaar away from me. I’ve been out of college for a while, but my hurling skills are still pretty impressive.

I’m also hoping that that cute cop from last year won’t be making the scene…or at least that he’ll be off duty.

ADDENDUM TO YOUR PUDENDUM: When are we going to learn to bring Ms. Pedalphile into these things earlier?? Her discovery of Beaver Liquors is a stroke of genius and should give pageant organizers (and future contestants) some good ideas for next year. At the very least I’m envisioning a great Foster Brooks-type contestant, Liquor Beaver Beaver Licker in the future—and there are plenty of other costume ideas available at said boozery:

Beaver Liquor

Jesus Loves Beaver

All-American Beaver

Now, perhaps one of this year’s judges has already found said establishment-?

Beaver Hunter

It takes a while to find all the hidden (and NSFW) gems on their web site, but it’s well worth it (the naked lady in the humidor is my fave—because sometimes a cigar is not just a…well, you know).

I think pageant organizers need to reward all contestants and judges with a field trip to Avon, Colorado to witness this steamy pit of beaverosity firsthand.


9 Responses to Female genitalia joke here

  1. you can order your wild turkey from Beaver Liquors in Avon, CO.

  2. barry ragin says:

    Joining Blazer on the judging stand will be Mary K. Mart, from Drag Bingo, Kama Suture, from the Carolina Roller Girls, Alice Sharp, from Alliance Architecture, and Mr. B. A. Hunter, who somehow or other is filling in for City Councilmember Mike Woodard, who “needed to spend more time with his family.”

    This being America, audience members will also have a vote. Ballots, approved by the Katherine Harris Ballot Review Team ™, will be available at the nominal charge of $1 each. Vote early and often. Audience votes will count, although we don’t know how much, towards selecting the Beaver Queen.

    Our judges will also be taking bribes to vote for your favorite contestant, and the contestant receiving the most bribe money will also have some undetermined advantage in the contest.

    There will be limited edition swag available for purchase as well.

    All funds raised this year will go to the Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association, so Blazer’s going to have to bring his own Wild Turkey.

    Did i mention that the event starts at 6pm, with beaver tail decorating sponsored by the Scrap Exchange, and the pageant proper begins at 7. And it’s free.

  3. Flapper LaTail says:

    You’ll be glad to know that bribing the judges is not only accepted, but encouraged.

  4. Third Friday says:

    This compells me to mention this fine establishment, near my aunt’s house in Bonita Springs, FL.

  5. Joe says:

    “You can’t beat our bait”? Right. Reminds me of what some friends who were grocery store butchers used to say: “You can beat our prices, but you can’t beat our meat.” And yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with beavers, so if you feel the need, go chew on a pencil or something. 🙂

  6. barry ragin says:

    blazer – it was good to finally meet you last night. hope you had as good a time judging the pageant as we did putting it together.

    hey folks, there’s a rare photo of the elusive blazer here.

  7. My memory of the night is a bit hazy, Barry, but I think it was good to meet you too (am I remembering correctly that we had a “moment” in the bathhouse?)

  8. DC says:

    Blazer, or Bob Zmuda?

  9. barry says:

    i prefer to think of it as a longing glance, rather than a “moment.”

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