Holy reacharound, people! An exciting scoop has just come in to the ‘Shatcave.
Bull Blaze Irregular “Bull Kalkhoffenbull” sent this red-hot item over the transom (tied to a large rock), and I think it’s gonna set the town afire.
Certain names have been altered to protect penniless blogging smartasses from getting hosed by deep-pocketed and potentially litigious development entities.
(click to enlarge)
DURHAM (June 12) – Yellowater Development announced today the acquisition of the Durham County Jail, which the company plans to rebrand “Mangum South: 219.”
“This is an exciting and unique addition to our downtown portfolio,” said Spencer ‘Spud’ Lebowski, the third, and little-known, Lebowski brother. Brother Spud has been a silent partner in the burgeoning Yellowater empire, but has been known to friends as ‘the Lebowski brother with the least to lose.’
A mixed-use, extended-stay center is envisioned for the property, which Spud said would “meet the lifestyle needs of an untapped market segment.”
“Many of our prospective tenants are looking for the security of a gated community,” he said. “Our customers do not want just anyone off the Durham streets to have access to them, and, frankly, would prefer not to have access to the street.”
Security will be a priority at Mangum South: 219. Uniformed officers will patrol the hallways, maintaining order and preventing residents from disturbing one another. Meals will be provided ‘al fresco’ on the Pettigrew Terrace. Each unit has a unique floor plan – ‘green design’ ensures that there is no wasteful heat loss through large windows, and one wall of each unit will have a specialized air circulation perforation pattern with metallic ‘climatizing bars.’ A health spa will boast ‘all of the latest free weights.’
Yellowater has announced their marketing campaign for Mangum South: 219, which will feature the catch-phrase “Be Someone’s Bitch Downtown.”
Be very afraid, Dermites.
I have seen the future, and it is being marketed in Raleigh. “West at North,” a new residential condo funhouse in GlenSo, has a silly web site (complete with stupid “whooshing” noise, 3D flybys, insipid announcer, etc), but their print ads are really something special.
Let’s break down the colorful notice that appeared in last week’s Independent Weekly and see if there are any clues about the intended demographic, shall we?
Sigh. Our time is coming…
‘Tis a dark day in Derm town. It seems that another casualty of our relentless march toward chi-chi-dom is the Liggett & Myers ciggy air tunnel.
Even though these soaring tubes have inspired creative classers in other towns, there’s no place for them in Bullsville anymore. After all, no self-respecting yuppie is gonna lay out the big money for a fancy new condo that has an appendage accusing him of being a Quality Product (or Person), so it’s gotta go.
I’m getting a little teary-eyed for the l’il guy–it will always seem like there’s a missing tooth on Main Street now. But since nature (and my commonlaw wife) abhors a vacuum, it’s time to figure out how we’re gonna fill the gap. Here’s some ideas from the ‘Shat brain trust:
Now it’s your turn, ‘Shatters! Fill up the comments with your ideas, and the winner will get an extra-fancy prize. Bonus points for anyone who links to a nice picture too…
So, check this out:
That’s right, people. The developers of the original blue glass monster wanna do it again…and this time, it’s personal!
The Renaissance at Durham Centre (Anglophile spelling of course connotes class—just ask the adjacent Cakkalakky Theatre) will offer “uniformed security,” “white glove service,” and, you’ll be happy to know, “Each residence is thoughtfully equipped with a washer and dryer.”
I love the logic, of course, and you know what I’m gonna say next: hell, why stop at two? That design works at so many levels, so let’s all live in 80s-retro blue glass abominations! Or, as a wise man once said, “Shit yeah, Raymond, pour the fuckin’ beer!”
I am so excited, y’all.
I guess there was this rinky-dink deli or something downtown, and, like, my “friends” (wink wink) the landlords kicked ’em out to make way for the “new” Derm (I mean, come on, their sandwiches were, like, names of Durham streets for crying out loud—how provincial can you get? What’s wrong with “Subway combo #4”???).
So, anyway, since my buddies know I have a real vision for the downtown “nightlife scene,” they’ve given me the building to do with as I please.
Here’s the preliminary concept, and it’s wood-inducing if I do say so myself:
And, holy crap, just wait till you see our plans for the Starlite Drive-In!
Progress is on the move!