May 17, 2007

“Lynchburg will have nothing on Durham in the coming days. We have hired consultants in Guadalupe, Turin, and Lourdes to help us handle the expected pilgrimage. We can announce now that the admission charge will be in line with need.”



(copyright Oakes of Mallstrippes, Inc.)

The Tulsa, Oklahoma developer revealed that “authentication will be provided by a committee selected from approved schools of religion” — the anointed couple can’t remember if the bed-sheet was an end-of-term student castoff or picked up at a local thrift store but spoke “swearing on a stack of Bibles” that the sacred object was “originally almost totally white”. “Honest — you can believe us — we believe us.” “Never mind” interjected the spokesperson for Oakes of Mallstrippes, “thread count holds the key to the holy relic’s true source — “we are sponsoring the entire cost, but it’s up to the committee to decide!”


“Log of Hope” Update

April 19, 2007

It has been a while since we’ve talked about our recent conceptual art project. For those with chronic short-term memory problems (do we know our demographic or what?), a couple of years ago we conned some agency into giving us a big grant to create one of those “temporary art installations” that are all the rage (scoring this kind of “cake” is one of the insider tricks they teach you when you get a “Bachelor of Fine Arts” degree).

We spent most of the dough on crystal meth and cheap red wine in a box, natch, and then had to come up with something at the last minute to justify the outlandish outlay. Since we, like everyone, get a real charge out of getting liquored up and throwing shit off buildings, we thought, “Let’s take that idea to the max,” and the “Log of Hope” project was born.

We devised a clever way to recycle our artistic passion and unused nutrient castoffs in a way that, we hoped, would make a positive change in our community. We envisioned a dramatic event that would inspire our fellow Derm’ites with its symbolic replentishing of our artistic soil, nourishing the downtown renaissance that has been a’bornin’ for lo, these three decades. Even better, given our moral and fianancial bankruptcy, was the fact that it could be done with the least expensive and most plentiful materials known to man.

Then, after the grand vision was in place, all we needed was to find an appropriate building from which to launch our blessed package into the fertile bowl of civic pride.

Poop trajectory

After collecting our materials for a good six weeks (you can read my abstract about the project in “ARTnews” if you really want to know the gory details) the project came to fruition one chilly spring morning, when we scaled the gleaming towers of the Durham County Jail and “backed our big brown caddy out of the garage” for all of the Bull City to see. We got a pretty good arc on the Hope Log, so it landed all the way across Mangum Street:

Log of Hope before

And the project was successful beyond our wildest dreams! The creative class-ers were drawn back to the city center like flies to you-know-what, every single building downtown was purchased at an outlandish price by one company, and the Log Site itself has even started sprouting a glorious new building for us all to rally ’round.

Log of Hope 2 - Arts Center

I don’t know what this new creative hub is going to be exactly, but I heard a rumor it might be the permanent home of the second traveling company of “Les Miz” or something.

So, all’s well that ends well. Shortly thereafter, someone else came up with another throwing-stuff-off-buildings project that was eerily similar (and infinitely better smelling). But that’s the nature of creativity, man—we all feed off of each other.

Eventually, everything works its way through the system and comes back out somewhere. And we like to think that here at the ‘Shat, we’re picking up those tawny gems off the ground, dusting them off, and serving them back to you on a gilded platter. No thanks are necessary—that’s our job. That’s our passion.

New DEVO monument almost ready to go

April 18, 2007

DEVO monument

Its been a veritable whirlwind of activity downtown, as workers scramble to make the “in by noon, out by June” deadline for the big spiffing-up project. The most eagerly anticipated new feature of the city center streetscape, the shrine to seminal (I love saying that word) Akron new wave weirdos DEVO, is almost complete.

Situated in the very heart of the Five Points Satanic Triangle, the “energy dome” sculpture, a monument both to the band and the entire concept of devolution, is appropriately surrounded by a patchy-ass mound of dirt that the city has no intention of improving.

“See, that’s the irony,” said Mayor Bell, a “spud” from way back. “We’re excited about where Durham is heading, but we still wanted to find a way to comment on the overall lack of progress we’re making as a species, and remind folks that we’re all doomed to regress to primitive forms. We had some extra bond money floating around, so we said ‘fuck it, let’s do it.'”

The shrine will be offically inaugurated in just a few more weeks when the “Celebration of Downtown Sepcialness” gala opens the refurbished city hub to the public. Mayor Bell and the rest of the City Council will perform the entire “New Traditionalists” album a capella, after which the mayor will sacrifice a bull on top of the monument, thus ensuring a bountiful harvest and giving the dome its requisite crimson hue.

American Ta-back-HO in the HOUSE!!!!!!!

April 9, 2007

Blazer Manpurse, BFA – I don’t wanna start no shit with you…but the next time you’American Ta-Back-HOre in Wholefoods buying your organic tofuootie you better watch out.

Parking Lot of Death is coming for you.

Parking Lot of Death tells no secrets, Parking Lot of Death tells no lies.

Parking Lot of Death takes no prisoners, Parking Lot of Death takes no crap.

– American Ta-back-HO